Rihanna's new "ass-groping", ball-playing man, the Dodgers' Matt Kemp called her a whiny-voiced "chick with a dude's haircut" in a new Match.com ad parody on FunnyOrDie.com. (Can't they think of a new theme?)

Kemp said, ""I'm just looking for a chick with a dude's haircut that likes sharing umbrellas...ellas." He continued, "I'm drawn to women with whiny voices who wear clothes that show their nips."

He added that he's looking for "with a lot of emotional baggage. Maybe someone whose past relationships have forced them to set the bar really low." Too soon!

But RiRi wasn't the only one he made a dig at. "I don't know if that matters, but I don't hit chicks," he said. "Because, you know, hitting chicks, that's not cool. I don't do it," before muttering "Chris Brown" as he walked offscreen. You know, just in case we didn't know who he was talking about.

Either Rihanna's got a great sense of humor, or she already dumped him and this is his retaliation!